when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
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Expectations vs. Reality
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
thoughts?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*