when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
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getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.