When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
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When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.