When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
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What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
One time, in a restaurant, a dude from a rival gang threw a steak at me, so I threw a lobster at him and we got into a huge surf and turf war.
My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.
I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.
I think this cat is broken
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
