when someone compliments me
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I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Terribly Tuesday.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?