when someone compliments me
You Might Also Like
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
my dog when i have a friend over
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.