When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
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How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?