When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
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Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
no refunds
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
yall want some gasoline milk
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.