When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
You Might Also Like
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
gentlemen, hear me out
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”