Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

This squirrel eats better than I do

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

Prank:

Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.

(helps if ur a scientist)

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?

Me: Absolutely.

*gel pack explodes*

Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor