Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

this is what they would have looked like, though

S O O N

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

Him: SHE SAID YES!!

Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.

“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.