@SexySpainNights

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

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@jadeamberf

at cane’s

cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so

@freypalm

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad

@MomofTeen

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

@abhorrent_wife

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

@funflaps

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

@mexinonblonde

Fun Fact:
You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren’t able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!

@BoogTweets

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

@batkaren

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”