cashier: you guys ready?
my friend: nah we still looking
cashier: aight well we sell chicken and fries so
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
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Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren’t able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”