When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

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Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.


Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.


Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!


One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.


A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL


Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.


Remember at school when you would press ‘demo’ on the electric piano and pretend you were really playing it? That’s what adulthood is.


It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.