@SexySpainNights

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

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@trevso_electric

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

@longwall26

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

@EmSlyce

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

@the_real_keg

One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.

@HonestlyJon

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

@Chelle_Coops

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

@TechnicallyRon

Remember at school when you would press ‘demo’ on the electric piano and pretend you were really playing it? That’s what adulthood is.

@ericsshadow

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.