When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
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Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I’m having an out of money experience.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I am never leaving this website
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!