When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
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Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
translated into Canadian
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane