Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm

Me: A problem shared is half solved.

Invigilator: sit in the front.

Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok

[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either

[first day at the cia]

me: where’s the chandelier

boss: what chandelier

me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶

boss: that’s sia

me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

Unmatched

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…