when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost
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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff