Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my mom just blocked me

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.

Fibula: Silently plots revenge.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything