Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#NeverForget

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

so i’m at the stock market right

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’