Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?

Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.