Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival

No one comes over anymore :/

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

[job interview]

HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking

*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair

HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK