Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?

Me: In case there’s a burglar.

5:

Me:

5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

[girlfriend in a coma]

*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?

A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever