Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

My patience has stretch marks.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

technically true but not a great slogan

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

[audition]

Casting Director: can you do accents?

Me: *cries Britishly*

CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?

Me: *cries in Japanese*

CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

I feel like one of these would kill a European

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

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