When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
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I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird