When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
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Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.