Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
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what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ