When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
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I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching