When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
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🚲+physics = winner
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Short story
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.