When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
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I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket