Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

Pleading insanity in small claims court

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

A guy at work spent the morning with his fly down.

We won’t mention names because that won’t solve anything and I already feel stupid enough.

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

Judge: How do you plead?

Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—

J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney

M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.

? 💀

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.