When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
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You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
😭😭😭
The internet is full of many things
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
