When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
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*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers![]()
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.