Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.

The photographer’s assistant

Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village

just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

Scream sneezers need love too.

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?

I’m afraid we’ve been misjudging everyone who surfs in a hurricane. They’ve got it right.

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

This is my cat’s medicine.