When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Fiction has to make sense.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh