When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
You Might Also Like
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.