When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
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can I use a minion as a tampon
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit