When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
You Might Also Like
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.