When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
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I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
