When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
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Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms