When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
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This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
My what?
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I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*