You Might Also Like
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
s
oc
i
a
l
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
This probably isn’t good
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
