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“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.