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If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Well, this is awkward
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Good Morning.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already