Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off

Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia

Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.