When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
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who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Truth
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.