Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now

Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?

Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming

The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”

I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.