When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Dumple
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
6. me as a lawyer
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”