Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

He instantly became one of the bros

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”