When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future