Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.

JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex