When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
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I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: