When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
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Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
*Seductively hides in the woods
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.