When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
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Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
twitter users today:
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory