When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
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I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork