When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
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Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.