When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
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If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Breaking news:
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling