Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

In Canada they just call them geese

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*