Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

A customer told me they were never coming back….

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard

dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you

harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-

dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows

harry: hell ya

dumbledore: one is your blankey

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.

Barman: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £3.

Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.