Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.

Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”

There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?

me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts

IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?

me: well, where to begin…

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?

GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*