Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

starting a garage orchestra

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

Blocked: 1985

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”