Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.

some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)

When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway