When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
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Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.