Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone