Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?

me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?

8yo: no that’s not it

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone