Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

A lot of folks out there missing the point…

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

“I’m thinking about having a baby.”

“You should get a dog.”

“As a sort of test?”

“No. You should just get a dog.”

A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: “What companies are those?”

Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”

I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed

Wife: There is something wrong with you

Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson

#growingpains