@Just_Lee_

When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first.

And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

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@AnitaHelmet

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

@BruceForce

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

@fuzzlime

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

@Divergentmama

“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

@brunopieroni

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

@hazelmotes1

Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.

@TheAlexNevil

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

@Tmoney68

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

@TlaxBoy05

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers