When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first.

And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.

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If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.


I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.


just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye


“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.


I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.


Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.


“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”


The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.


i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers