her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
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[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know