When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
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“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
awkward
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is