When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
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*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
bro what is going on at twitter
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.