when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
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Just got to our Airbnb!
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.