when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
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Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire