Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.

Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:

“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”

Geez. Give us a break already.

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Them: You have a weird sense of style

Me: *takes off glasses* Rude

Them: But true

Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.