Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

*draws a line in the sand*

*looks at the line in the sand*

*decides that it might be time to vacuum*

🐦

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.

Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

Most Common Source of Electricity

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.

I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?