[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
You Might Also Like
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
🤣🤣💀
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse