When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Meow
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Alexa: *deep breath*
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.