When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
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I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Had an epiphany today.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
plums roundup
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.