Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
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Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.